[RA & Relationships] How Rheumatoid Arthritis can be affecting the intimacy in your relationship

How Rheumatoid Arthritis can be affecting the intimacy in your relationship

by Niki Wyre

*Note: This blog contains information and discussion that is meant for adults.*

One thing we often miss discussing when we are talking about Rheumatoid Arthritis and other Autoimmune Arthritis conditions is how much of an impact it has on our daily interactions with our significant others. It affects how we relate to them, our confidence, our emotional interactions and yes, even our physical or intimate relations with our partners. Chronic conditions, like RA, can change the dynamics of your relationship. Many of our members have reported that since being diagnosed they have had a relationship end, whether a friend, partner or even spouse. However, there are steps to can take to preserve your relationship.

Why do communication breakdowns happen? Can this situation be avoided and what can you do to prevent your condition from becoming a relationship barrier? Those are the topics this blog will address – to hopefully get you and your partner to better understand why there is a change in your physical and intimate relations.

So what about Rheumatoid Arthritis affects our intimacy? The following are common problems that woman with RA often experience in sexual relations.

1. Pain:
Yes, we all know that RA comes with a lot of pain. Most people don’t realize that it is something we live with 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. It’s very hard to be in the mood when you can barely move a hip, or shoulder or even your back. Especially when every movement can excaberate such pain. Even when are pain levels are on the low end of our spectrum, we tend to shy away from hugs or embraces. There is a fear of additional pain and this inner alarm that tries to protect us from that. Soft, loose hugs are a great alternative to bear hugs or tight embraces.

2. Fatigue:
One of the greatest hurdles for our members with Autoimmune Arthritis is trying to overcome the fatigue that comes along with their health condition. Some members have said they would rather have more pain than have to deal with the constant fatigue. Sometimes our partners can’t understand how much this can put a damper on our libidos. One of my friends told me that she explained to her partner like this: “Remember when you used to work a double shift on a few hours of sleep? Were you in an amorous mood when you finally made it to bed?”. Of course, the answer is no. Without proper rest and restorative sleep, the chronic pain cycle worsens and can actually make the pain levels increase. In turn, this causes more sleeping issues.

3. Physical Limitations:
Many of us deal daily with disabilities, physical limitations, or joints that just won’t bend or straighten. Let’s be honest here, we aren’t going to be working on a second career as a contortionist any time soon. Finding positions that cause minimal discomfort can be discouraging for individuals. What works one week might not work the next week since our RA moves around on a whim from one body part to another.

4. Depression:
Depression is a very common side effect in dealing with chronic pain or illness. With depression, most women and men experience a significant decrease in libido or lack of enjoyment in activities. Some members have reported it as a bit of a numbing sensation on their emotions. Things they normally enjoy they do not get pleasure from when in the depths of depression, and they need an understanding partner in those times.

5. Self-Confidence and Self Image:
Many of our members battle with their self-confidence or self-image after their RA diagnosis. Why? Along with Rheumatoid Arthritis, we deal with swelling, weight gain or moon face from steroids, joint deformity, gait issues or reliance on mobility devices. Some medications can cause acne, rashes or dermatitis issues, while other medications can cause hair loss. Any of these issues can shake a woman’s self-confidence and most of our members deal with more than one at any given time.

6. Medication Side Effects:
Ahh medications.. I know I personally have quite a stockpile of pills I have to take daily. Some of these medications, especially ones that are used for depression or nerve pain, can lower the libido or create a lack of sexual drive in their users. Some experience difficult becoming aroused or able to reach a climax due to these side effects. Obviously this is a very big hurdle in getting into the mood or enjoying intimacy with our partners.

Now that we have discussed reasons why Rheumatoid Arthritis can effect your intimacy with your partner, what can we do about it?

1. Open up communications line and be honest:
Don’t leave your partner out in the dark! If you don’t talk about what is going on inside your body, emotions or running around in your brain, it will cause an emotional distance between you. Try sitting down in a casual environment, not in bed, to discuss which of the issues above that are affecting you. When you are hurting, let them know. It’s not like we are using the “headache excuse” to get out of relations. Most of us enjoy relations with our partners but our bodies don’t always make it an option. Communicating this to our partners can prevent this becoming an issue in the near future or help explain something that they were afraid to vocalize.

2. Have queues or schedule for best times:
Try tracking in a journal your moods, pain levels or feelings throughout the day. See if you can find a pattern. Some of our members report that if they know they are going to be intimate with their partner around a certain time, they will take their pain and antinflammatory medications an hour to two before. Although it may take out some of the spontaneity or romance out of your intimate interactions, it can make things easier and more pleasurable for both partners. Let your partner know by queues or letting them know when you are feeling good to let them know what time are good for you.

3. Work around limitations or modify your activities to not inflame affected areas:
Don’t be afraid to experiment on modifying positions, adding pillows for comfort or having to move to make your intimacy more comfortable. If it is hurting you, you most likely will not being getting as much enjoyment out of it as you should. If decreased sensation or problems with arousal are interfering with your physical intimacy with partner, you can introduce lubricants and other sexual aids to increase sensations. Let your partner know if something isn’t working or something works great. They will enjoy knowing that you are enjoying it as well! Introduce new places into your sex life – an out of the way hotel, a bed and breakfast in the hills with a hot tub and a massage…a destination that takes you to a stress-free zone.

4. Talk to your doctor:
If you are experiencing issues with depression, medication side effects or don’t seem to be getting any relief from your current pain management, please talk to your doctor. In the case of depression or medication side effects, something as simple as a medication change can change things drasticallly. Lack of libido or lack of enjoyment can be addressed during your appointment. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your General Practitioner or Family Doctor, your OB/GYN or even therapist are another option to discuss this with instead.

I hope that this blog was able to shed some light on how our conditions can change our personal and intimate relations with our partners. It’s not something that we talk about very often, but it is something that should be brought out for discussion every once in awhile. Many of us are afraid to voice these questions out in the group or in a public forum. If you are going through any of these problems right now with your partner, I hope you share this with them or start discussing it soon. Don’t let your medical condition take this part of your relationship away from you.

*Note: This blog contains information and discussion that is meant for adults.*

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